The Slow Path to Wise Trust: Compassion for Self and Others<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe secret of trusting wisely is to forget about trust. Your brain won\u2019t let you sustain it as long as you\u2019re hurt anyway, as most defenses are\u00a0unconscious\u00a0and run almost exclusively on autopilot. In other words, you\u2019ll be able to trust for a little while but it will, in short order, fall apart. And each time that trust falls apart, it becomes harder to rebuild.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Genuine trust is not a goal so much as a by-product of enhanced core value\u2014the ability to create value and meaning in your life. Focus first on self-compassion and then on compassion for others, and you\u2019ll find that trust will sneak up with you, in its own good time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My late mother was the model of how to be compassionate while withholding trust. One Thanksgiving, I came home from college to find that my mother had taken in a couple of distant cousins who were out of work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was not surprised to see people living in our house. (My mother had overcome the severe battering she suffered at the hands of my father during my early\u00a0childhood\u00a0to become a compassionate person of enormous charity and\u00a0generosity.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What shocked me was that the closets and drawers in all the rooms, including my bedroom, were locked. I insisted on knowing why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mother explained, with\u00a0embarrassment, that my cousins \u2014 her distant nephews \u2014 had stolen money from her, along with a few pieces of her costume jewelry, and even some of her clothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Enraged at this betrayal, I was ready to throw out the ungrateful, freeloading, petty criminals. But she stopped me cold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It’s not hard to keep things locked,” she said. “It would be harder to make them leave when they don’t have anywhere to go.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have used my mother’s lesson repeatedly, in my own life and in my work with clients struggling with intimate betrayal: You can be compassionate without trusting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wise trust cannot be expected to return fully until self-compassion and core value have grown larger than the\u00a0fear\u00a0of being hurt yet again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Probability of Betrayed Trust<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nIntimate betrayal most often occurs when partners violate their deeper values to gain a temporary sense of empowerment. The way that potential partners empower themselves when feeling vulnerable is the most telling way to assess the probability of betrayal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Knowing facts about their historical behavior in intimate relationships helps, of course. But that is not always possible. Fortunately, there are subtle clues that can help assess probability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The partner who becomes angry, resentful, or depressed when feeling vulnerable is more likely to shut down, punish, control (emotionally abuse) or seek some kind of temporary ego boost through infidelity or deceit. In contrast, the potential partner who responds to the prospect of vulnerability by trying to improve the situation, appreciate, connect, or protect is far less likely to betray you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Use the following to assess the probability that a betrayal of trust will occur in a current relationship. If the relationship is new, fill it out every couple of weeks, until you learn more about the prospective partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Circle all that apply. When feeling vulnerable (e.g., anxious, devalued, rejected, powerless, inadequate, unlovable), my partner is likely to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Improve<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Appreciate<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Connect<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Protect<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Shut down<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Get angry<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Deceive<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cheat<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Abuse substances<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Abuse me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Self-Compassion Means Slow Trust<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe more slowly that trust returns, the better; slow trust is more likely to have a solid and durable foundation. Be patient with yourself. Your trusting nature is not lost; it\u2019s just a little bruised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those who are worthy of your trust have at least an intuitive understanding of this: Three of the four positive\u00a0attachment\u00a0emotions\u2014interest, compassion, and love\u2014are unconditional in healthy relationships. But the fourth, which is trust, must be earned over time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Sir and Madam I hope you are doing well bringing up the value of trust will be much valuable when you see the result of the opposite one of the points that make people feel the value of things they have , is when they suddenly lose it (good example, mess happens in places […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","hide_page_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-350","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=350"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":351,"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350\/revisions\/351"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=350"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=350"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.whatistandfor.co\/humanrights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=350"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}