I couldnt find a good topic to share in this important point
it is important to listen ,
will find better topics in this part
becoming a better listener
Listening resembles a muscle. It requires training, persistence, effort, and most importantly, the intention to become a good listener. It requires clearing your mind from internal and external noise — and if this isn’t possible, postponing a conversation for when you can truly listen without being distracted. Here are some best practices:
Give 100% of your attention, or do not listen. Put aside your smartphone, iPad, or laptop, and look at the speaker, even if they do not look back at you. In an ordinary conversation, a speaker looks at you occasionally to see that you’re still listening. Constant eye contact lets the speaker feel that you are listening.
Do not interrupt. Resist the urge to interrupt before the speaker indicates that they are done for the moment. In our workshop, we give managers the following instruction: “Go to someone at your work who makes listening very hard on you. Let them know that you are learning and practicing listening and that today, you will only listen for __ minutes (where the blank could be 3, 5, or even 10 minutes), and delay responding until the predetermined listening time is up, or even until the following day.”
The managers are often amazed at their discoveries. One shared, “in 6 minutes, we completed a transaction that otherwise would have taken more than an hour”; another told us; “the other person shared things with me that I had prevented her from saying for 18 years.”
Do not judge or evaluate. Listen without jumping to conclusions and interpreting what you hear. You may notice your judgmental thoughts but push them aside. If you notice that you lost track of the conversation due to your judgments, apologize to the speaker that your mind was distracted, and ask them to repeat. Do not pretend to listen.
Do not impose your solutions. The role of the listener is to help the speaker draw up a solution themselves. Therefore, when listening to a fellow colleague or subordinate, refrain from suggesting solutions. If you believe you have a good solution and feel an urge to share it, use a question, such as “I wonder what will happen if you choose to do X?”
Ask more (good) questions. Listeners shape conversations by asking questions that benefit the speaker. Good listening requires being thoughtful about what the speaker needs help with most and crafting a question that would lead the speaker to search for an answer. Ask questions to help someone delve deeper into their thoughts and experiences.
Before you ask a question, ask yourself, “is this question intended to benefit the speaker or satisfy my curiosity?” Of course, there is room for both, but a good listener prioritizes the needs of the other. One of the best questions you can ask is, “Is there anything else?” This often exposes novel information and unexpected opportunities.
Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity LOYALTY DOES NOT WAVER. As we have learnt from the plethora of definitions of loyalty, we can safely distil all the meanings into this simplified sentence. It involves the steady involvement and commitment to our relationship, responsibilities in God and His kingdom. It also suggests the presence of likely turbulent factors that will constantly attempt to tip the scales of our allegiance into a state of imbalance. Some of these forces might even be of legitimate nature; however it behooves us to maintain our proper directions in God. Loyalty is usually revealed when these turbulent factors show up and presents the ample opportunity for factual evaluation and possible course corrections.
LOYALTY IS WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHAT YOU SAY.
Talk they say is cheap. While it is important from time to time to reassert our allegiance verbally that is not enough. Loyalty must be action backed. It can and does not thrive on mere verbal assurances; it must reveal itself in all that we do. The level of impact we make as Christians involved in the work of the Kingdom cannot be measured in any way satisfactorily if it does not take cognizance of our practical involvement with verifiable results. Our Loyalty must produce evidential ends not just comments and verbal contributions. Even the bible in giving account of the ministry of Jesus on earth which in fact was an outlet of His commitment to the Fathers business said “…all that Jesus began to do and to teach…” Acts 1:1. Jesus did not begin by talking, He began by doing. This is very instructive. Therefore, we can safely say that we must of necessity take a cue from Jesus. After all, God will not require from us that which He has not first and foremost demonstrated to us.
LOYALTY IS A WILLING DECISION.
Forced compliance is fake loyalty. It is not uncommon to observe this brand of loyalty in some circles, both in secular and faith-based organizations. However loyalty must not be faked, else it will snowball into technical sabotage. This is a crime that attracts consequences and as such must be avoided at all cost. You must make up your mind to align yourself with God’s will as far as loyalty is concerned. Remember, the bible clearly states that “Be not deceived, God is not mocked whatsoever a man sows that shall he reap” Gal 6:7. It suffices to say then that when we allow ourselves to get embroiled in disloyalty we run the risk of reaping same. This is why we need to let this understanding inform our manner of life and Christianity. You have no other meaningful alternative apart from that which offers you lasting incentive but you must make up your mind about the matter.
LOYALTY IS DEMANDING.
Loyalty can easily be described will usually put demands on you. When we don’t become comfortable with this truth disloyalty becomes inevitable. You will be called upon to do the unthinkable sometimes, you must be careful not to be misguided by what may seem as demeaning tasks and responsibilities. Sometimes promotion comes in the most unfashionable assignments. You must maintain your steadiness and positive attitude in every case.
We still wrestle with the political implications of human nature. History seems to be steered by shared psychological traits that are profoundly irrational and self destructive. The dark side of human nature often seems to be opposed to the idea of survival of our species, because the “survival of the fittest” is about the survival of the individual, not the species, so evolution has not stamped out antisocial behavior.
Anger is a natural emotion, so it’s not hard for people to hang onto anger if it is useful. But beyond a certain point, hanging onto anger is a choice. When anger is cultivated long enough, anger become hatred. Here we see the role of talk radio and Murdoch propaganda in turning the chronic anger into a permanent state of hatred.
This chronic anger creates supporting cognitive structures (how someone sees the world , and is able to blame everything on their enemies), which continuously produces anger and negative affect. These cognitive structures become a psychological pathology.
What they are saying here is that is someone wallows in crap like Rush Limbaugh every day, they are going to suffer actual emotional damage. These underlying hateful cognitive structures make hatred self sustaining.
But hatred is also fun for its own sake, like sex or drug. This “plesure in hatred” (Kernberg) has led some on the left to call right wing agitprop “anger porn,” which may be much more true than we think.
Hatred also leads to a life of laziness because the combination of hatred and paranoia lets someone blame their lack of progress on their imaginary enemies. Racism is a defense against shame and low self esteem.
Melanie Klein was a Freudian who pioneered many key concepts in psychology. In her work and the work of Otto Kernberg, we can see the roots of common political themes: A “paranoid-schizoid” view of the entire world, much like the “The Paranoid Style In American Politics.” The utter demonization of enemies but also family members and bystanders The ability to hold absurd, contradictory, and patently false ideas (splitting)
Key to Klein’s theory is the use of anger and hatred as a defense. Hatred erases guilt, self awareness, and depression. (Notice how the biggest haters of the right always poll as “happy.”). Hatred creates a natural sense of superiority and moral self righteousness, a pseudomorality. Hatred is such a powerful denial mechanism that it can screen out reality itself, creating pseudostupidity about the world. Klein saw the mind as a far more savage place than her contemporaries, and her vision of extreme hatreds and violent impulses seems to be a very useful model of borderline and narcissistic traits.
Klein did her work 70 years ago, and some aspects are clearly outdated. Her idea of infants as having adult minds clearly conflicts with our understanding of brain development. More modern version of Klienian psychodynamics put key developmental events during the toddler years, not infancy. Modern theory steers away from stereotype Freudian themes of the breast and toilet training. The modern version of Kleinian theory no longer looks at infants as tiny adults with psychotic traits, it sees adults as monstrous infants liable to spin into psychotic states over mild frustrations.
The more modern Klienian view emphasizes attachment disorders where toddlers are neglected or otherwise kept stressed out by their caregivers, which results in a weak bond to the parent and a life-long sense of insecurity. We can see the attachment to early trauma in conservatives like Beck and Rove with their histories of abandonment and suicides. Klein would have predicted the “paranoid-schizoid” personality in Glenn Beck, and it certainly seems to describe him.
“Splitting” is an emotional defense which is hard to describe but easy to recognize if you’ve seen it. It is a primitive defense that avoids the effort of trying to resolve contradictory ideas or feelings by simply switching between extreme positions. Everything is clear cut right and wrong, good and evil, black and white, until it becomes convenient to believe exactly the opposite. These are people with rigid rules that are subject to change from day to day or moment to moment. Other people are likely to be demonized. This is not limited to people that we would consider mentally ill, but also applies to “normal” people when they are in a power struggle and they will tell any sort of lies to win by reverting an infantile or nearly psychotic state. Most people can relate to this from experiences with divorce, probate, or bad bosses. Often, their thoughts are attached to a specific emotional state – we usually think of people whose thoughts become irrational and paranoid when they are angry. But it also possible for someone to have patterns of cognition associated with other rigid emotional motifs, such as a person that can lapse into almost instantly into depression.
Splitting arises from the child’s biological drive to love their parent which is in conflict with the fear that they soon learn for their parent. Going back to Beck and various republican deviants who keep getting re-elected, their followers see them as the irresponsible parent, and no matter how creepy these public figures are, people still feel an overwhelming sense of familiarity from these conservatives.
The same people that are willing to let themselves be taken advantage of by these disorted parent figures are likely to channel their rage and hatred towards people that have never done them any harm. Even attempts to help them are likely to be experienced as abuse or a violent attack. This primitive devaluation and hatred of other people provides an enormous sense of self righteousness. Kleinian psychodynamics have been used by theologians to explain religious hatred, and a root cause of the various sins.
In the workplace, we can readily see Kleinian psychodynamics as some people struggle to recreate their dysfunctional childhood. These relationships are codependent. Let’s be clear on something – “codependency” is layman’s language for sadomasochistic. These are extensions of the Kleinian model that were developed after Klien’s death.
The boss that inflicts petty humiliations on the employees or creates needlessly stressful artificial deadlines is a sadist. The sadist may want to maintain a relationship with the hated object or they may wish to destroy them utterly. But we see a sick attachment to the hated employee, and the bad boss will often try to prevent the employee from getting another job and will give them bad references. The bad boss reacts to the departure of an employee like a bad parent who accuses the child of thinking they are “better” than the parent.
Here we see the other source of hatred – envy. Envy may be rooted in political propaganda, or personal relationships. When a neurotic person feels that another person has more than they do, envy results. The neurotic can envy another person’s possession, their family, their intelligence, their sense of humor – basically any quality. For this reason, an employee might be doomed for saying something wittier than the boss could have come up with, for being better at presentations, or knowing more than the boss about some topic. We can see this in toddlers when another child touches a toy that nobody was using. Until a child learns to share, it is enraged at the other child over a toy that nobody was using. In the same way, we can see adults that poisoned with envy over something they did not even want.
Envy is regarded as being synonymous with hatred. Because the person who harbors chronic anger probably has a much distorted sense of reality, their hatred is likely to be all out proportion to reality. Thinking of the example of the envious parent – this is a common scenario, but envy is such a powerful force that the parent is likely to abandon or physically abuse their child.
The henchman that joins the boss in spying on employees or creating rumors is their ally. The bad boss usually has helpers whose role is a mystery to other employees because everything they touch is a disaster. This helper is often the product of a horrible family background, and the helper is playing the role that they played in their home – emotional caretaker to an unreliable and often hostile parent. But this coworker is also going to feed the boss’ paranoia and envy. Again we come back to the role played by Glenn Beck.
This is not to say that everyone that got a raw deal in life will act this way, but many of them are driven to seek out positions of power over others. We certainly see politicians coming from terrible backgrounds, including Bill Clinton. The question is: can they wield power without developing an intense irrational hatred for people at every step of their journey? Is their political base driven by hatred and envy?
Envy. Long considered one of the Seven Deadly Sins, in both Christianity and Judaism, and even among the early Greeks who labeled it “Ly-pay” meaning sadness, envy has been with us as long as humankind has been keeping track of the ills of the heart and mind. And these days, envy is not just alive and kicking, it’s flourishing.
In fact, envy has festered into one of our greatest sources of anger, especially in our current material-focused culture where symbols of wealth like fancy cars and jewelry (even the fake stuff) are flaunted with reckless abandon. For many people, who feel they too deserve the spoils of wealth, these constant reminders of what they don’t have often lead to resentment and anger. In my 20-plus years of experience as a psychiatrist, I have seen the desire to “get” the things they envy drive people to lose sight of the most important values in their lives. We feel envious of friends, total strangers, TV characters, classmates, or colleagues. We often feel the deepest envy toward those closest to us.
Feeling envy is a part of who we are as complicated and multifaceted beings, just like joy, sadness, and anger itself. The way to defeat the negative feeling of envy is by learning how to recognize and handle it when it sneaks up on you, and to cut it off at the pass; it’s clearly no easy feat.
Learning to envision envy is critical to leading a happier, less conflict-driven, less angry life. When even the smallest infraction like “he got a bigger piece of cake than me” leads to an emotional meltdown and lasting resentment, it’s time to develop an awareness of envy’s relationship to anger and learn how to change your perspective from “take” to “give.” In doing so, you can help shift your internal compass from the “Me” to the broader and more productive “We,” reducing tension and pent-up feelings of anger between people whether they’re strangers, close friends, or even siblings. It is time to move from the “Me” generation to the “We” generation to help us live calmer, safer, and happier lives.
Once you recognize rage you have to figure out why you are angry, to begin with. Perhaps you are envious of someone else. Perhaps you have to envision envy.
Understanding Where Envy Comes From Envy is that unpleasant, often painful feeling brought on by the good fortune of others. That good fortune could be just about anything; a beautiful possession, a great job, a happy relationship, or the purchase of a new home. We see something we want and we feel envy that someone else has it and we do not. Inside, we might secretly wish the other guy didn’t have it, or would lose it. Envy stems directly from our limbic reaction to the Domains of Resources, Relationships, and Residence; you don’t have enough while someone else has more. Envy is sneaky and manipulative, but whether it’s a twinge or an ache, we all feel it. There is always someone richer than us, faster than us, more beautiful or youthful, and we want what they have. Someone always has a better house or a safer community. Someone always seems to have a hotter boyfriend or girlfriend, a better boss, or a better any type of relationship. When we experience envy, we resent that another person has something that we feel we lack. The true pain is caused when the mind focuses on what one desires but cannot have.
There Are Two Faces of Envy Before we delve one-sidedly into the typically dark world of envy, “malicious envy” or wanting something bad to happen to the person you envy, it’s important to note that, unlike the other cardinal sins, envy does have a potentially positive side. Anger’s good side once protected us from predators, can be channeled to good use (like pushing for safe driving laws because someone cut you off while they were texting, for example). Envy can sometimes be the force that motivates us to strive harder. If I envy my neighbor’s new, shiny, red Lamborghini, it might get me to thinking that if I saved some money and worked extra hard for a bonus this year that vehicle could be sitting in my driveway too. Sometimes envy serves as an incentive. In this case, it’s called “benign envy,” something that few people have ever heard of but we all have experienced.
You Have More Control Over This Emotion Than You Think By the age of 4 months, a baby begins to compare bits of information. The infant cries when she sees a stranger’s face because it’s different than the mother’s. When it comes to envy, the same mechanism is at play. We compare bits of information about others to ourselves, and when we feel that we do not compare well, it makes us unhappy and often angry. It is only in this comparison that we can experience envy. This is an important observation. We feel at a disadvantage, which leads us to feel threatened, and then to have to either run away for safety or attack in anger.
But what is remarkable is that we are actually more in control of this emotion than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes we spend so much time being envious of what other people have that we overlook what we actually do have. This tendency to compare has always been with us but it can be exacerbated by the use of social media. Young people, in particular, spend hours putting up photos of themselves having fun with friends, honing their pages so that they appear cooler, often hiding real feelings and events going on in their lives. Less secure kids then compare themselves to the mostly fiction and wind up feeling bad about themselves and spiteful towards others.
While humans have cooperated to the extent that the species has more than survived, we still, on a deep, limbic brain level are at risk of rarely feeling satisfied or full up. This is a brutal reality about how we have evolved as human beings. Perhaps one of the obvious reasons that envy developed stems from our ancestors’ early days when the acquisition of resources, mainly food, may have meant the difference between life or death. One would have noticed when another had more of something. If you had something I wanted or needed that put you at a survival advantage over me, I might try to take it from you. But if you are already at an advantage, I probably wouldn’t be able to just step in and take it. You might be stronger, smarter, perhaps more overtly resourceful. I would have to be covertly resourceful and plan my actions for the future.
This planning is a PFC function. Envy filtered through the PFC meant being able to assess a situation and plan a response, which in turn enhanced our survival potential. It is a lot more effective than being impulsive. As kids, we are taught to look both ways before crossing a street: an exercise in assessing the relative danger of our surroundings, making a plan based on that assessment, and the anticipation of the outcome. Only then do we actually take the action of crossing the street? Kids need to be taught these basic survival tools because the child and the adolescent brain is an impulsive brain, with a relatively immature PFC compared to the limbic system, which is the brain base location of impulsivity. Even as this limbic system may harbor the emotion of envy, it depends on the PFC to elaborate and execute the plan to level the playing field, or better, to switch the level completely so you are now the one being envied.
The two types of envy, benign and malicious, both push a person to either strive for personal success in a healthy competition or strive to bring the other person down in unhealthy aggression that can lead to war. From an evolutionary perspective, envy is yet another means for survival, to get more resources, relationships, or residence, and therefore not only have more but at the same time deprive the other of those same attributes.
Our envy says more about us than it does about the target of our envy.
Envy is most often defined as some degree of discontent we experience regarding another’s possessions, advantages, achievements, traits, etc. It’s natural to compare ourselves to others. Doing so may evolve early on when we compare ourselves to siblings or others our age, whether we focus on how they are treated, including what they get to do or what things they are given. In this manner, such comparisons may inform our standing amongst others.
Envy, like other feelings, may be experienced at various intensities. It may be considered benign, as when such comparisons motivate us to improve our lives. Or, by contrast, it can be destructive for us and potentially for others as well.
Some distinction may also be made between destructive envy, as an ongoing disposition, versus destructive envy, as an episodic reaction to forming social comparisons. One study reports that episodic envy might be more situational and associated with negative feelings such as anxiety, depression, anger, and an overall negative mood (Cohen-Charish, 2009).
A man in a state of envySource: 123rf/Stock Photo/Anna Koldunova
Envy as a motivating force
Envy can potentially be a positive force in our lives. For example, we might observe an upscale home and think, “That sure is a nice home. I imagine it would really be nice to live there.” Such envy may then fuel thought such as, “What can I do to have a house like that?” In this case, our envy motivates us for positive advancement.
This is a constructive and benign type of envy. As such, it may enlighten and aid us in forming our identity and how we wish to live our lives. Our envy may inform us regarding, not only what we wish to obtain, but also in identifying values, traits, and behaviors that are consistent with who we are and who we wish to become.
By contrast, destructive envy focuses on making a comparison that only enhances our feeling inferior to the person who possesses that thing or attributes we envy. Envy can be a destructive force in our lives. Such thinking may precipitate as well as reflect varying degrees of anger.
For example, with regard to seeing that beautiful home, we could react with: “How come they get to live there?” Thoughts such as “What makes them so special?” or worse yet, “They don’t deserve to have a house like that!” reflect the darker shade of envy. Such thoughts may ultimately fuel hatred and even aggression toward those who own such a house.
Such envy is malicious and may be accompanied by resentment, annoyance, and wishes of ill-fortune. It may ultimately fuel hatred and even aggression toward those who own such a house. We might think, “They don’t deserve to live in that house!” or worse yet, that the owner should lose possession of it, either due to financial hardship or even by flames. Unlike benign envy that is directed toward the thing possessed, a trait or behaviors exhibited, destructive envy focuses on the person.
Such desires may stem from a deep sense of “schadenfreude,” or pleasure in seeing the suffering by those we envy. Research indicates that this may at times be tied to, but not necessarily dependent on, our dislike or anger toward the other and our feeling they do not deserve what they have (Van de Ven, Hoogland, et. al., 2015).
Roots of destructive envy
The trigger for destructive envy is an already existing frail sense of self — an ego that is vulnerable to feel “less than” or inadequate upon making a comparison with others. In effect, the comparison shines a light on and gives rise to a sense of inferiority about oneself that is established long before the comparison is made. The predisposition to feel “less than” subsequently primes destructive envious thoughts of others. After all, their possessions, attributes, or behaviors are stark reminders of one’s underlying sense of inadequacy.
While we may try to suppress or repress our sense of deficiency, these feelings rise to greater awareness during the process of comparison. This experience of feeling less than may be experienced with full awareness or at a deeper level, absent of conscious awareness.
We may more likely experience envy toward others who are more like us in age, gender, class, age or education. One study, for example, emphasizes that young adults are more envious than their elders and about more things (2016). It’s as if we’re more concerned about our standing in our own “tribe” than how we match up to members of a different tribe. As a ninth-grade student, we may be more concerned about our standing with other ninth-graders than about the high school senior. As a millennial, we may more frequently compare ourselves to other millennials rather than to baby boomers.
This may also be reflected in a recent study of social media that found that the greater the frequency of social media engagement, the higher the potential for depression (Chan and Jianling, 2018). The problem is that photos of others depict a distinct moment in time rather than the true nature of who they are, what they feel and the overall context of the situation photographed. As such, when viewing others, we see a mere moment of their existence. And such a view is often as unrealistic as the brushed photos of celebrities and models featured in magazines.
Photos are two-dimensional. They offer little into the complexity or inner landscape of those in the photos. As such, they can foster quick judgments such as “They’re having so much more fun than me.” “They certainly have more friends than me” or “They are happier and not as lonely as me!” may be the knee-jerk reactions when we’re prone to low self-esteem.
The mindset that leaves us prone to destructive envy constricts our capacity to look beyond the details of the snapshot. It undermines our ability to question the full complexity of the situation or what an individual is truly experiencing. In this manner, this mindset corresponds to the constricted vision fostered by depression.
Destructive envy is disempowering
Engagement in destructive envy disempowers rather than empowers us. Each time we embrace destructive envy we rob ourselves of agency. In part, because we may we suppress or deny such feelings we become more vulnerable to them — sensitized to their influencing without our full awareness. We may then experience discomfort, tension, and even some arousal of inferiority that we then attribute as being caused by others.
At its core, we then experience arousal of shame with ourselves for not “measuring up” as well as when even acknowledging envy. The comparison then becomes a challenge to the story we have formed about who we are. Experiencing anger or being aggressive may then serve, like much of anger, as a distraction and reaction to our internal suffering. In the process, we subsequently lose sight of dealing with and addressing both our feelings of being less than and the work we may need to do to feel better about ourselves.
In the context of my work with clients, many grow to recognize and acknowledge envy they experience toward others who may not have to deal with the kind of suffering they experience. “They don’t get as depressed as I get!” “I’m sure they don’t feel the same anxiety I have around people!” and “I’m angry that I have to do work to feel better about myself and they don’t!” are just a few examples of statements they make regarding such envy.
Only when they choose to let go of the destructive envy — and the anger that accompanies it– do they become more able to make the changes they seek in counseling. They recognize that they are deciding to make a choice.
The choice is realized when we are aware of engaging in destructive envy and decide to transform it into benign or motivating envy. The constructive choice is made when we decide to cultivate this more constructive perspective.
In part, this may involve mourning and grieving. It requires making peace with the fact that no matter what we do there will always be others who are smarter, taller, richer, more attractive, more confident, and even have more “toys” than us. And, as I emphasize with my clients, others may in fact have it easier so that they grew up more confident to deal with the comparisons they form. This is a reality that we must all negotiate at various times in our lives. And it is part of developing resilience that allows us to face challenges and to flourish in our lives.
Take a moment to picture yourself standing in a single file of people whose order is ranked by a specific attribute–such as height, weight, appearance, wealth, intelligence, etc. No matter what attribute you identify there will always be others who seem better off in front of you, and worse off behind you. You may find that you need to look at those behind you in order to build up your self-esteem and alleviate feelings of being “less than”. Or, you may find yourself often looking ahead of you.
Overly focusing your attention on those in front of you or behind you will contribute to making your happiness appear elusive. This occurs when you have to depend on feeling superior to those behind you to feel better about yourself. Similarly, if you are prone to destructive envy, looking ahead may only remind you of your diminished sense of self.
This is vastly different from looking at others ahead of you may inform you about actions you wish to take, values you wish to embrace. It similarly differs from looking ahead of you for mentors, individuals who may help you achieve your goals, support your values and fuel your motivation to do well.
Here are some tips for helping you move past destructive envy:
Be mindful to recognize when you are comparing yourself to others.
Be mindful to recognize when your comparison triggers benign or motivational envy or destructive envy.
Recognize that your envy tells you more about how you feel about yourself than it does about the other person or their traits, achievements, possessions or behavior.
Remember that genuine, positive self-esteem is something that only you can cultivate in yourself–through work on your self.
Remember that genuine self-esteem is founded on comparing ourselves to ourselves.
Be mindful that positive self-esteem is built upon your appraisal of yourself including improving your skills, overall resilience to life’s challenges and engaging in self-compassion.
Engage in mindfulness practices to expand your awareness to make these choices. These have been found to help transform destructive into more benign reactions (Dong, Yanhui, et. al., 2019)
Allow yourself to mourn and grieve that you may not have had the advantages that others may have.
Actively work to remove barriers to reaching your goals rather than be engulfed by destructive envy.
It is important to remember that most of us may feel envy from time to time. The key issue is whether it is benign or destructive in form. And if it is destructive, remind yourself that you do not have to address this challenge alone. Seek out others who are supportive and nurturing and who may provide you with guidance and support — whether with friends, family or professional counselors.
Loyalty is a virtue we value in several types of relationships, including among family, friends, romantic partners, workplaces, organizations, religions, and nations.1 But what is loyalty, and why is it important?
“People tend to define loyalty by what it is not (for example: not being betrayed, cheated on, or abandoned), but loyalty is much more than the absence of mistreatment,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.
Loyalty is faithfulness, dedication, honesty, trust, and support in a relationship, says Dr. Romanoff. It requires an emotional commitment and engenders a sense of identity.2
This article explores the characteristics, benefits, and drawbacks of loyalty, as well as some strategies to build loyalty in relationships.
Characteristics of Loyalty
Below, Dr. Romanoff explains some of the characteristics of loyalty.
Steadfastness and Support
Loyalty means being there for someone through the highs and lows, and staying by their side regardless of the circumstances.
Loyalty involves accepting and loving someone for who they are, and not threatening to leave them when things become challenging. People display loyalty by weathering storms together, providing support, and sticking it out.
Loyalty means being consistent in your treatment, behavior, and regard for another. It’s important to be reliable and dependable—someone who can be counted on to show up. Loyalty also involves consistently treating the other person with kindness, fairness, and generosity of spirit.
Honesty and Transparency
Being vulnerable and not hiding parts of your identity or parts of your life are important aspects of loyalty. People who share their thoughts and feelings display a willingness to be known and to know others in an authentic and open way.
Benefits and Drawbacks of Loyalty
Loyalty can have both benefits and drawbacks. Dr. Romanoff lists the pros and cons of this trait below.
Benefits of Loyalty
Loyalty can strengthen relationships because people are more honest and forthcoming when they know the other person is loyal. It engenders trust and closeness in relationships.
Relationships with loyalty are stronger because both people can be themselves and share what they’re experiencing without fear that the other person will abandon them. — SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD
This is true for romantic, work, family, and social relationships as when we feel others are loyal to us, we can be more authentic and take off the socially acceptable filters that we tend to display our behaviors through.
Loyalty helps build support, which is important for mental, emotional, and physical well-being.3 Knowing you have people who have your back and will be there for you when you need them can help you feel secure.
Drawbacks of Loyalty
Loyalty can be harmful when your allegiance to the other person becomes consistently detrimental to you.
Some people remain in relationships that no longer serve them. In these instances, their sense of loyalty can cause them to become exploited or abused. While loyalty is an important trait, it should not be used against someone.
It can be hard for someone who is loyal to recognize when they are being manipulated by someone they love. It can be helpful to get an outside perspective from a friend, family member, colleague, or therapist who has their best interests at heart.
While it may not always be possible to sever relationships, it’s important to set boundaries in relationships with people who are manipulating you because of your loyalty.How to Recognize When You’re Being Used
How to Build Loyalty
Loyalty is a characteristic that can be developed and earned in relationships. Dr. Romanoff suggests some tips to help build loyalty:
Show your appreciation: Show the person that you value them. Communicate how important they are to you and how significant their presence is in your life. Don’t take them for granted. Showing someone your loyalty to them can help encourage them to be more loyal to you.
Be supportive: Offer support when they are struggling and help them face their problems. Don’t give up on them when challenges arise. They should know you’re there for them through thick and thin.
Maintain their confidence: If they share their secrets, hopes, plans, fears, or insecurities with you, ensure that you keep their trust and maintain their confidence. Respect them and avoid passing judgment.
Keep your promises: If you make promises or commitments to them, make it a point to follow through and not let them down. If there’s something you can’t do, be honest and upfront from the start.
Don’t be unfaithful: In romantic relationships, it’s important to honor your commitment to your partner and remain faithful.
Be honest: Be transparent and honest with the person, and avoid keeping secrets from them. It’s also important to be authentic with them, even if that makes you vulnerable. Being your true self with them helps promote trust and loyalty.
Act in their best interests: Having ulterior motives when you’re dealing with someone, talking behind their back, or embarrassing them in public are acts of disloyalty.
Address problems within the relationship: When there is a problem in your relationship, manage it directly with the person instead of talking about it to other people. This shows that you respect and value the relationship with the person instead of seeking external validation by talking about them and your problems to others.
Treat them fairly: If you’re having a disagreement, it’s important to hear their perspective, even if it clashes with yours, instead of ignoring or avoiding difficult conversations.
Before determining who you can or cannot trust, you first need to understand what makes you trust someone in the first place. In order to determine whether something is an exception, a rule, or anything in between, you need to understand the psychology of how trust works.
If you’ve placed your trust in the wrong people in the past, or someone very close to you has betrayed your trust, you will have developed trust issues. That is, you will have a greater lack of trust than most people, which will affect your future decisions
Please refer to previous topics in this blog about trust and how valualwe it is
it is your own reponsibility to pick and trust the right people
having self confidence in your self is good path but having trust people will save a lot and give you ability to make faster decession and proceed with others on what they have accomplissed and yours will be additions
That’s Team work if you are going to
Cool please review this part
please spread the words ,share this blog (if you liked it and find useful )
MAde a good pick
Thank you for sharing , it will help to make our voice heard
Moral Failure: On the Impossible Demands of Morality asks what happens when the sense that “I must” collides with the realization that “I can’t.” Bringing together philosophical and empirical work in moral psychology, it examines moral requirements that are non-negotiable and that contravene the principle that “ought implies can.” In some cases, it is because two non-negotiable requirements conflict in a dilemma that one of them becomes impossible to satisfy yet that remains binding. In other cases, performing a particular action may be non-negotiably required—even if it is impossible—because not performing the action is unthinkable. After offering both conceptual and empirical explanations of the experience of impossible moral requirements and the ensuing failures to fulfill them, the book considers what to make of such experience and, in particular, what role such experience has in the construction of value and of moral authority. According to the constructivist account that the book proposes, some moral requirements can be authoritative even when they are impossible to fulfill. The book points out a tendency to not acknowledge the difficulties that impossible moral requirements and unavoidable moral failures create in moral life, and traces this tendency through several different literatures, from scholarship on Holocaust testimony to discussions of ideal and nonideal theory, from theories of supererogation to debates about moral demandingness, and to feminist care ethics